Single Issues

Single Issues

Recently on Sunday mornings we have been working our way through a series on 1 Corinthians. This morning (15/10/17) we read from the second half of 1 Corinthians 7 seeing how the apostle Paul spoke to those who were currently unmarried.

The last time I spoke on this issue was in November 2004. At the time I was 31 and not married. While the task of the preacher is to help people understand what the Bible says, it is inevitable that the preacher preaches from a certain situation in life themselves, in this case be that married (my situation now) or unmarried (my situation in 2004).

I trust this is helpful ... 

Single Issues - Preached by Niall Lockhart in Hamilton Road Presbyterian Church, Bangor (November 2004)

About a month ago I was down in Belfast one Friday evening. From time to time I enjoy making that journey by train … you get a chance to read and there’s no queues of traffic. I thought the meeting I was at would have finished earlier than it did … and as I made my way in through the doors of Great Victoria Street Station on the way home, I was surprised to look at the clock in the station and realise it was almost a quarter past ten.

‘Oh well’ I thought … ‘People go to Bangor all the time … I’m sure there’ll be a train soon.’

Walking towards the platform I began to realise that there weren’t the number of people I was expecting standing around. In fact there wasn’t anyone standing around. Apart from one Translink employee who informed me that the next train I could hope to catch wasn’t going for another hour … and then they helpfully added ‘You’ve just missed one.’

I walked away … another hour … that wouldn’t get me home until after midnight!

People go to Bangor all the time … but then it struck me … most people go to get on the Belfast to Bangor train around 4 or 5 in the afternoon. And at that time it’s not overly complicated. You get on the right platform, stand around for a bit and before you know it there’s a train just for you … and if for any reason that one doesn’t work out  … wait for a few minutes and there’ll always be another.

Arrive at the station around 4 or 5 … and before you know it you’re looking out the window at Helen’s Bay. But if for any reason, and there are many reasons, you’re still not on your way at a quarter past ten … thoughts begin to go through your mind … thoughts like

‘Where was I when all the other trains were going past?’

Thoughts like …‘I wish I’d got an earlier train’

Thoughts like … ‘Am I ever going to get home at this time of night?’

Recent research suggests that the average age by which men in the UK are on the Belfast to Bangor train is 31, while for women the average age is 28.

This morning, as we continue our series in ‘Family Life’ we come to the difficult and admittedly sensitive question of ‘What does the Bible have to say to those who are still in Belfast when on average, statistics and experience tell them, they could hope to have been settled in Bangor.’

And God saw all that He had made and it was very good. We begin in Genesis chapter 2 … the Perfect World.

Verse 18, The LORD God said ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable helper for him.’

For this reason, because alone-ness is not good, in verse 24, in the Perfect World ‘a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.’

The Perfect World … the man and the woman. One flesh in the garden.

Song of Songs, chapter 5 verse 1. ‘I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.’

The Perfect World. One flesh in the garden. Love experienced and enjoyed,

‘Eat O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers.’

No shame, no impediment, no longing unfulfilled, no expectation unsurpassed.

Sometimes things get broken. And that’s what happens in Genesis chapter 3. Genesis 3 verse 1. ‘Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made.’

The Perfect World shattered and destroyed. Verse 7 ‘The eyes of both of them were opened, and they realised they were naked’ … and they hid themselves from each other and they hid themselves from God.

A broken world … Barriers. Impediments, disappointments.

Song of Songs chapter 5 verse 4, a world where love is stirred, where the heart pounds, where the door is opened, and verse 6, the beloved is gone.

A broken world … the real world … so where do you begin?

Turn to Matthew chapter 19. Some people have brought a question to Jesus, a question about marriage, a question about divorce … a difficult question, a real question.

Where do you begin? Matthew 19 verse 4, Jesus begins by going back to the beginning. Verse 4, ‘the Creator made them male and female, and for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’

One flesh. It’s good to be married. It’s perfectly natural to want to be married … Jesus was no stranger to wedding parties.

But in a broken world, verse 8, it’s not always picture perfect.

I think of my family. People propelled into singleness through separation or divorce. Others, verse 12, never married. It’s these situations that are in view this morning, and then next week we bring things to a conclusion looking at the whole area of living on when a partner has been taken in death.

Matthew 19. Using the phrase ‘eunuchs’ to describe people who remain single and celibate, Jesus reminds his listeners that some people are by birth, congenitally unlikely to ever marry … they’ve been born that way.

Others, verse 12 have been made that way by men … circumstances enforced from the outside that have made marriage less likely, or impossible.

Others, have renounced marriage for the sake of the Kingdom of God.

Married people have things to think about … to be concerned about … to worry about that unmarried people do not.

Paul picks up this idea in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 … where he points out that not being married brings real possibilities for the work of the Kingdom of God.

I’m sure many of us can think of unmarried Christian people who have gone through their lives with the sort of undivided heart that Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 7 verse 34. A flexibility that makes service in frontline situations overseas possible, or a focus that plays out in quiet and faithful service within the local fellowship.

So aware of these possibilities, Paul writes in verse 7, ‘I wish that all men were as I am (Paul was unmarried). But he adds ‘Each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.’

Verse 9, ‘If they cannot control themselves they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.’

There’s a balance, a realism, an honesty in what Paul says.

John Stott is 83 years old, he’s an immensely respected Christian leader. He has remained unmarried throughout his life. His recently published biography captures something of Paul’s heart, reflecting upon his own call to singleness;

‘I suddenly realised what I was missing out on by not having a family’ he remarked on one occasion … the biography continues;

‘Marriage might have driven a coach and horses through the bachelor lifestyle which alone made possible his vast output; but the emotional side of his nature recognised in marriage a fulfilment beyond what even Christian friends can offer’

Married people have things to think about … to be concerned about … to worry about that unmarried people do not.

But the reverse is also true, and we need to remember that the small number of people who God uniquely equips, and over years confirms, that they can with fidelity and integrity set aside marriage for the sake of His Kingdom, have embraced what for them will be in the words of Stott’s biographer a ‘costly element in discipleship.’ 

It is not an easy lifestyle, and it is not a lifestyle to intentionally seek, Stott would argue, especially in younger years.

For him – remaining unmarried - a costly element in discipleship - But for others … the cost of discipleship seems higher still.

Just as many childless couples have not chosen the absence of a family, so many unmarried Christians do not sense any particular calling to a single life. They never set out not to get married. Theirs is in the words of a recent article in the Christian Magazine Third Way ‘An Unchosen Chastity.’

The article begins; The stark gender ratio in British Churches means many women will either disregard evangelical teaching or face a lifetime of being alone. Catherine von Ruhland, the contributer concludes; ‘I have a number of friends who were always adamant that they would only marry a Christian … until they reached their late thirties and started going out with a non Christian guy. He never converted … but they married him anyway. They had the choice between love and possibly children or a future alone. I have not found what I need as a human being within the Christian community. For me it is time to look elsewhere.’

I do not agree with Catherine von Ruhland’s conclusions, neither does a follow up article in this month’s Third Way, but folks she’s honest … and we need to take time to listen – and to give people space to be honest … in order that we can respond in a way that they will hear. Space to talk about their longings, about their fears, about their struggles - perhaps with guilt or mistakes, or orientation …

Today there are people going on record and saying ‘I have not found what I need as a human being within the Christian community. For me it is time to look elsewhere.’

An unmarried non-church going friend said to me, just this week, without any malice intent, ‘Church is mostly for families isn’t it’. That’s a perception.

We need to respond … and we need to respond with a gentle confidence.

We need to argue for what the Bible says about chastity outside marriage, and about the crucial importance of marrying only within the believing community … yes.

But we need to be real enough, and Biblically committed enough to know that this ethical teaching must come from the lips of a Biblically shaped church with a Biblically shaped view of Christian community, or otherwise those who hear our words will be left feeling like the lonely lover in Song of Songs 5, who walked the streets alone, only to be mugged and left bleeding by the ones charged with their protection.

So what are we called to be?

Well where do you start? Turn to Ephesians 5 verse 31. Paul takes his readers back to the beginning … ‘a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ And then he says, verse 32, ‘I am talking about Christ and the church.’

One flesh, verse 30, members of one body.

When any group of friends gets together their experience of relationships, and of love, will always be different.

But the primary model which the Bible gives us for understanding our relationships with each other within this fellowship is not friends, but family.

People, not alone, but covenanted and committed to each other.  Not just friends, but family.

Tim Chester, writes ‘Families eat together, play together, cry together and laugh together. Families provide for one another. They share something of the task of bringing up children and they look after their older members. They provide identity and a place of belonging. Families define for us what is ‘home’. 

What can you do … making the most of your current circumstances …to help us build a fellowship here in Hamilton Road that will provide a home for people whatever their experiences of life and love.

Again I’m aware so many of you are doing so much, quietly, consistently. I know of single people of all ages who have found this a warm house. Keep on.

You see we all bring something.

Unmarried people bring the advantage of flexibility to this building of community. Time to give.

Married people bring the advantage of hospitality – ready made places of community and home to welcome and integrate others into. Ready made places to intentionally and thoughtfully share their lives.

Tim Chester, himself married with young children, encourages those who have been born again, to boldly live out what it means to have become part of a new family, and to be careful of the trap of, in his words ‘allowing the biological family to become an idol.’

We are not just friends. We are family … called not to be alone … but called to be together.

Let me finish by saying two things.

Bangor is a good place. God willing, I’d like to settle there someday. But the Bible presents it as the ultimate destination for none of us. Jesus, the most complete and whole person ever to live, was never married. Jesus, the beloved who was beaten and bruised, whose cloak was taken away … gave His life, to bring you life, whatever your circumstances. His grace is sufficient in our weakness.

And remember others, those standing on the platform in Great Victoria Street do not have a monopoly on disappointment, in this broken world and in this broken fellowship. Everybody hurts sometime … married as well as unmarried.

If God has gifted you to remain unmarried, and confirmed that gifting over years of faithfulness to Him, use His gift, and be thankful.

And finally if you are still hoping … seek His contentment, stay with this family, commit to His ways as taught in Scripture … and never say never … I’ve seen people get on trains a lot later than a quarter past ten.